All At Once
by colormeorAnge
Summary: What do you do when you just start to trust again, and it all blows up in your face? oneshot


**Summary : What do you do when you just start to trust again, and it all blows up in your face?**

**Disclaimer : nope, don't own them. Seriously. If I did, I would be locked up in my room with Patrick Dempsey right about now. But I guess he's Shonda Rhimes play toy for now :)**

**Also don't own the song at the bottom. All At Once (hence the title of the story) by The Fray.  
**

**A/N : This is just a one shot. My first fanfic and probably will be my only. Not really much of a writer, just kind of felt like trying something different! I'm a mer/der sucker so if I would have continued it definitely would have been them working on a relationship. It's also not after or before any certain episode..just kind of threw it out there! Reviews welcome definitely! Good or bad..like I said..i know I'm not a good writer so I can take the bad ones! I'm tough like that! ANYWAYS here it goes! Oh and Meredith's thoughts are in italics**

**

* * *

**  
Rain pounded fiercely on the roof of their house. Izzie was on call tonight and George was at Callie's so it was just Meredith.

_seriously. if my life was a movie, it'd be called Sleepless in Seattle. crap, that's no good, that's already one. how about Restless in Seattle. oh that just sounds stupid. seriously. this sucks. how about " lets jut not sleep in seattle."_

Meredith had many nights like these. Constantly trying to come up with stupid little things to think about rather than Derek. Isn't exactly the easiest thing. Especially since she's given up late nights spent with tequila and strange men.

_Okay, so maybe not the tequila. But it's a start._

Just as she rolled over she heard the doorbell. _No way. Its 1:30, I really have got to stop imagining things._ DING DONG _aughhh!_

Meredith hobbled down the stairs being careful not to trip over anything. Unfortunately, things don't always go her way. On the second to last step she tripped and flew to land just a little ways from the door.

_Crap. Stupid stupid stupid. Stupid stairs, stupid dark, stupid 1:30, stupid person whoever it is._ DING DONG

"hold on! IM COMING" Meredith looked through the glass of the door and was stunned. _Seriously._ A rush of rage ripped through her and she whipped the door open not even looking at the person standing on the opposite side or their tear stained cheeks and pink rimmed eyes.  
" DEREK! Seriously! I just got done working a 48 hour shift and now you're here ringing my damn doorbell at 1:30 in the morning! 1:30! And I don't' even understand why you're here in the first place, I mean you have a wife! A WIFE DEREK! Go home and live your happy life with you're happy wife and our happy dog and in your..in your happy freakin' trailer and just LEAVE ME ALONE!" Meredith whirled around to slam the door in his face when she stopped dead cold in her tracks. There she saw him sitting on the steps with his head in his hands looking extremely vulnerable.

_Was he even listening to what I just said?_

She walked out on the porch and down the stairs so she was facing him. "What are you doing here?" she said In a somewhat softened voice and for the first time she actually saw his face as he looked up at her. Despite the rain she could see the tears rolling down his face as he desperately tried to wipe them away. Meredith sat down beside him and put an around his back so he could lean in closer to her. "Derek..what's wrong?"

"She..she. again. She did it.." he attempted to mumble out but was cut off by a fresh new sob shaking his body.

"she? Addison? She did what?.." she rubbed light circles on his back and whispered soft things to him to try and get him to calm down.

"mark.." he managed to choke out before a loud crash of thunder rang through the sky and the rain picked up.

Meredith sighed and shook her head "here, we better go inside.." she helped lift Derek up and hugged him close to her as they made their way inside. She didn't know which she hated more. The fact that Addison and Mark could do this to him again, or the fact that he was so torn up about it. _Of course he's gonna be torn up Meredith. He tried to be the good guy and try with his wife and it all blew up in his face._

They walked over to the couch and Meredith sat on one side while Derek laid down with his head in her lap and sobbed. They sat like that for a half hour without saying anything, and the only motion was Meredith running her fingers through his hair, until finally his tears dried.

"look..mer..i'm, I'm sorry. For everything. For lying to you, for breaking you, for not even thinking about how you would feel..for.." fresh tears began strolling down his and Meredith's cheeks, "for not letting you go, for hanging on. I'm.."

"shh..Derek..don't worry about that now. Its ok..just shh.."

They sat in silence for about 10 more minutes until Derek started to sit up and speak again.

"Meredith, i'm sorry for coming here. I know this isn't what you need..i just, I needed to talk to someone. Someone I could trust. You're the only one I can trust, even if you can't trust me..I, I'm just, I'm so sorry. I love you Mer..and I.." he was quickly cut off by Meredith.

"don't' say it. Don't say something you're going to regret. Derek, your wife just cheated on you..again. yea it hurts to see you so torn up like this..and it pisses me off that she would do this after everything. But I don't' want to be the second choice." Coming out a little more coldly then she meant it to. She could see the pain in his eyes as he dropped his head again. "look..i'm sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I just don't want to be hurt again.."

"I hate her. I hate her for causing all this pain. I hate myself for causing all this pain. For trusting her again. But Meredith, you need to know..i already had the divorce papers signed. I was going to give them to her tonight, but then I walked in on them." He closed his eyes in pain to remember that image, " it still hurts. He was my best friend and I trusted them. Hell, I gave her a second chance. But it wasn't working. I'm not in love with her. All those tears..tonight. they were because through all this, I'd lost the love of my life." Meredith winced at this, he grabbed her hands and silently thanked God because she didn't pull back. " she's not the love of my life Meredith." Flashing his famous McDreamy smile making tears form in the corner of her eyes. " I've lost you. Because I tried with her I lost you and now she did the exact same thing. god mer. It hurts. It hurts so bad. To be betrayed again. And most of all..it hurts because of Mark. I may not have forgiven him the first time, but I mean..damn it how could I have not seen it." Suddenly full of rage he jumped up and started pacing.

"I know.. trust me. I know it hurts. Derek I'll help you. This doesn't solve anything, you hurt me. I can't come crawling back to you. But I can be there for you..maybe after awhile we can try, but right now, i can't. I can't put myself through that again.." she got up and started walking towards Derek whose pacing was getting quicker and fists were curling into a ball. "Derek..stop."

He turned to look at her and when he saw the pain in her eyes that he had caused, something inside him snapped. He turned to the wall he was by and punched it with all his strength and fell to the floor sobbing once again with a bloody fist.

With a gasp, Meredith was right by his side and her arms around him. He leaned into her just like he had on the steps and she attempted to control his shaking once again. Meredith leant down and kissed the top of his head causing him to cry even harder, which took her by surprise.

"I need you mer..i..i need you so bad.."

_There are certain people you just keep coming back to  
She is right in front of you  
You begin to wonder could you find a better one  
Compared to her now she's in question_

_And all at once the crowd begins to sing  
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same_

_Maybe you want her, maybe you need her  
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there_

_Looking for the right one you line up the world to find  
Where no questions cross your mind  
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt  
Much longer for you to sort it out_

_And all at once the crowd begins to sing  
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same_

_Maybe you want her, maybe you need her  
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there  
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it  
Maybe it's all you're running from  
Perfection will not come_

_And all at once the crowd begins to sing  
Sometimes  
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain  
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same_

_Maybe you want her, maybe you need her  
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there  
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it  
Maybe it's all you're running from  
Perfection will not come_

_Maybe you want her, maybe you need her  
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another  
To another_


End file.
